The Book
Hey! Did you know I love to write?
I know. I’m funny.
Sometime in 1998, I had the genius idea to write a book coded with me, my friends, and the Boys. I changed our names and their occupations, but we looked like us and ran around having relationships with them. It was fanfiction WAY before the term existed. (I think. I don’t know when that was invented!)
My friends got really into what we lovingly dubbed “The Book.” It has never had a title beyond that lack of one. I would hide sheets of loose leaf under my binder in class and write between taking notes. When I finished a page, I would wait until a teacher's back was turned and pass it off to a friend- namely Saman, Erin, or Neha. Over one summer, Erin and I would hang out at the local Elks pool where her sister worked. We’d lay on our stomachs soaking up the sun, and she would push me to write more and more. It was like the TikTok of 1998. No dancing, no tech. Just pen and paper to keep us entertained.
My god, I was such a nerd.
I had been writing stories for a long time (more on that later), but “The Book” was the first book I ever completed. I then went on to write at least two sequels. The second one had some high drama, with cheating and pregnancy and a bunch of stuff I knew nothing about at that time.
I have a binder in which “The Book” series lives. I dug it out to take pictures for this project. I thought I had started a fourth one, in which the progeny of Peace (code for Neha) and AJ found out who her real father was as a teenager. A pocket of the binder housed what I thought was a few pages of this. But when I took it out, I discovered 130 pages of “The Book 4,” which has a plot I remember pretty much nothing about. Literally. I scanned through it, and I have no idea what was going through my mind or if there’s enough to sustain a reader’s attention or anything. It’s weird because I have such strong memories of the other pieces.
Page 1 of the book
All three books living in a binder together happily.
The Black and Blue Tour
Black and Blue was the Boys’ third-or-fourth studio album (depending on what country you’re in), released in 2000. It’s… fine. They still had some big hits from it, like “Shape of My Heart” and “The Call,” but overall it isn’t one I find myself returning to frequently. I was, of course, ecstatic to see the Boys in concert for this one. Once again, the East Rutherford dates didn’t work out for us, so on a Sunday night in February, my mom, her friend Barbara, her young daughter Melissa, and I drove out to Long Island to see the Boys at Nassau Coliseum. We thought we were so cool because we were going to play hooky from school the next day, except there ended up being a blizzard and school was closed! Hooray!
This was the first BSB tour that got a second leg, and we got tickets with the same people to see the Boys at the Tweeter Center, an outdoor venue in Camden. Even with our lawn seats, we were able to sit closer than I ever had before. Then more East Rutherford dates were announced, and just for fun, I started bidding for tickets on eBay. I kept my bids lower than the Ticketmaster asking price because I knew there was no way I would get them.
Until, one night, I did.
And then I had to break it to my mom that we owed someone $160 for two BSB tickets so we could see this tour for a third time, and we’d be going just two weeks after we were scheduled to go to Tweeter Center. Honestly, she wasn’t too mad.
AND THEN, just after the Tweeter show, on July 9, AJ McLean announced that he’d be entering rehab for alcoholism, depression, and anxiety, thus postponing the tour for a month. Which meant I could space out my concert going. That was one silver lining to a pretty gray cloud. I wrote an article for a local newspaper that had a section called “Teen Scene” supporting AJ’s decision and commending him on his strength for facing his demons. When we saw the show for the third time, I brought a copy and gave it to one of their opening acts, Krystal, when we met her at a signing. Krystal was the first, and possibly only, artist signed to the Boys’ own label, KBNHA records. She was extremely talented, and I listened to her only album on repeat for some time. “My Religion” is still one of the most beautiful songs I know.
My signed Krystal CD
“Never Gone” and the CBS Morning Show
Though there was no official break, the Boys took a hiatus from 2002 to 2004. No one could talk to me about the possibility of them breaking up or not releasing new music; the idea was too painful for me.
In January of 2004, I was a little less than halfway through my horrific freshman year of college. I was living in South Carolina, much further away from my close knit family than I was prepared to be, abandoned by the few friends I had made, AND hours away from my new boyfriend, who was going to school in Albany, NY. Things were pretty bleak.
And then, like a bright ray of sunlight, THE BACKSTREET BOYS ANNOUNCED THEIR TRIUMPHANT RETURN. They had reconciled differences, they were back in the studio, and a new work was forthcoming. I screamed, jumped up and down, and blasted Millennium out of my subwoofer.
It would still be about a year before their first single, “Incomplete,” would be released. By then, I had transferred schools and was attending Montclair State University in NJ. Thank goodness; that meant I could attend the Up Close and Personal tour at Irving Plaza, a small NYC standing room only venue. I was blown away that the Boys would play in such a small location, that I would get to see them so close up. To this day, that was one of my favorite BSB shows; it was small and intimate during a time when the Boys still felt like a big deal. They sang new material from their upcoming album before we knew it. One of those songs, “Shout,” never made it to an album, but I’ve always loved it. It was a harder, rockier song for the Boys, with a pounding rock beat and extremely fast paced lyrics.
“Never Gone” as a whole album is a little more pop-rock than pop with r&b leanings; it’s still my favorite overall BSB album. “Siberia” is a song whose melody haunts me, and it shares my “favorite BSB song” status with one or two others; “I Just Want You to Know” gets my head bobbing; “I Still…” brings back memories and elicits heartfelt car karaoke; “Safest Place to Hide” is the song I chose to walk down the aisle to. Though “Millennium” is the album that I consider the essence of peak BSB, “Never Gone” is the one I turn to for comfort.
I’m not sure how I heard about the taping of a Backstreet performance for the CBS Morning Show, but I did, and I applied, and I was chosen to go. It was probably one of my first trips into NYC by myself, and what a noble cause it was for. The small crowd of aging girls who were chosen were treated to some Q&A action and live performances from the group. At some point, the Boys went off stage for a break - except for Howie and Nick. Nick grabbed a guitar, and Howie poised himself behind a drum kit. They played a bunch of random songs for us, including Lenny Kravitz’s “Fly.” A shame that this was pre-smart phones and there isn’t any recorded evidence of this very special private show.
The Boys came back out to redo some things that hadn’t worked on camera. When they were done, someone made an announcement that made my wildest dreams come true. The Boys would come out to mingle with the fans! Ahhhh! Lucky I had grabbed one of my two copies of “Millennium” in case such an occasion arose.
Nick darted to the front of the crowd and ran across them, high fiving the girls standing in the front row. I had befriended a woman named Gladys, bonding over how our lack of height made seeing things in large crowds difficult. She knew Nick was my Boy of choice and pushed me forward when he did this so my fingertips could brush his. I HAD FINALLY TOUCHED NICK CARTER. It was bliss.
But then Nick told us all that he had to pee and would come back out to mingle afterwards. We didn’t see him again.
The Boys who were left split the stage, and Brian headed in my direction. I was standing in the second row of women. When the one in front of me turned around to put her face next to his for a picture, I caught his attention and asked for a picture. He pulled me forward and graciously signed my CD booklet.
While I had thought meeting the Boys might be a possibility in this setting, I hadn’t truly prepared for what might happen if I did. I was overwhelmed by being cheek to cheek with Brian Littrell. I lost control of my mouth, and words tumbled forth from it - “I love you!”
Brian gave me a strange look as if the words unsettled him. He wasn’t alone; I had NOT intended for this to be the first thing I ever said to him. I felt giddy and silly and stupid and unprepared, despite being beside myself with joy as I had just met a Backstreet Boy for the first time.
Now I was at the front of the crowd, and I could see AJ McLean heading in my direction. I knew I couldn’t be left a babbling mess again. When he got to me, I had planned what I was going to say. We hugged, and I told him, “When you went to rehab, I wrote an article supporting you for my local newspaper. I gave it to Krystal to give to you; did you get it?”
“Oh, thanks sweetie!” he said genuinely. “I received a lot of stuff at that time, but I’m sure I got it.” We hugged, he signed, and we took a great picture. And I felt a whole lot better about that interaction than I had the one with Brian.
Howie never made it to my side of the stage before the Boys’ security called for them to wrap it up. But Kevin Richardson, tall and strikingly handsome and a kind of gracious that every fan can only dream of, stood smack in the middle of the room, refusing to leave until he had signed every piece of memorabilia handed to him. So while I didn’t get a picture, his signature is the third on my “Millennium” cover. The image of him standing in the middle of the crowd, not saying a word, just calmly signing it all despite the insistence of his security that it was time to go has stuck with me as the epitome of how a celebrity should treat their fans.
“Never Gone” and “Unbreakable” at the Virgin Megastore
Before the Times Square Virgin Megastore closed, it was home to a host of album signings and miniconcerts. At the heyday of my love for pop music, I was really too young to attend album releases. They always happened on a Tuesday, and megafans would camp out on the street overnight to snag a few seconds with their favorite artists. My parents wouldn’t accompany me to such a crazy stunt, and I never bothered to ask.
But when “Never Gone” was being released, I was no longer a youngster. I was over 18, a legal adult, and when my friend Lalie asked if we should attempt to FINALLY meet the Boys at Virgin, it sounded like the greatest possible adventure. My dad dropped us off somewhere around 5 in the morning; the store opened at 8, and the first 500 people who bought the new album would get a wristband to come back, meet the Boys, and get the CD signed. We thought the fandom had dwindled, so surely 5am would place us within that first 500 mark.
The line was already wrapped around the corner and halfway down the next block when we arrived.
We still got on it. We still held out hope. And unfortunately, we were maybe 20 people away from the cut off.
We were exhausted and mildly defeated, but we befriended a few other girls who hadn’t made it into the store, and we started scheming about how else we could make our meet-and-greet dreams come true. The Boys were on a tour of the city that day, starting with an appearance on “Good Morning America.” We hustled over to ABC studios, but there was already a horde of people there. They wouldn’t be doing an outdoor performance, and we weren’t getting anywhere near the windows to catch even a glimpse.
We headed to a diner for breakfast and to brainstorm our next move. The Boys would be heading to MTV studios for an episode of “Total Request Live,” so we figured hitting that up early would be our best shot. First, we went to Duane Reade, where we bought poster boards and markers. We spread out on the floor of the lower level and made signs that proclaimed that we had come far distances (one of the girls we were with was from Germany, even if the rest of us were from just over the Hudson) and had arrived to Virgin at 3am (it sounded higher drama than 5) only to be turned away from our fateful meeting.
Then we ran across the street to MTV, where a crowd was beginning to gather. When an intern began to scan the gaggle of girls, we all screamed and jumped around and waved our sign in the air. Someone did come and chat with us about our story, so we thought we were a shoe in. Until a fellow MTV employee told the one we were talking with that she had already found a group to allow up. So we were out of luck.
We hung around through the show, amidst more screaming and jumping and waving. It was June 14, meaning heat was in pretty high effect. I was sweating pretty profusely by now, and it was making me itchy; I scratched the back of my neck and was DISGUSTED to find that the underside of my nails was BLACK. We had been in New York for nearly 12 hours at this point. We had failed to meet the Boys at every turn. I was officially miserable.
In a last ditch effort, we rushed over to Planet Hollywood, where the Boys would be engaging in a Z100 radio interview. There was a velvet rope already poised, and while Lalie and the other girls stood near the rope, I perched against the wall in a corner somewhere. I was too tired, too defeated. I figured I’d know when the Boys were coming.
It was only a few minutes later when the screaming started, signaling the arrival of the group. I tried to run to my friends, but I was cut off by other fans who seemed to materialize out of nowhere. The Boys came in, posed for a few pictures, and were gone within minutes. I hadn’t made it to them, but, in a move that upset me even more, all the girls I was with had. Lalie at least talked to Howie if she didn’t get a picture with him. She said she had followed someone up the stairs when the big push happened, and she reached behind her and grabbed someone she assumed was me - but it wasn’t. I was too exhausted to have followed anything at that point.
The day was a pretty epic failure.
In October of 2007, the Boys’ next album, “Unbreakable,” was released. Having just graduated college, and having previous experience under our belts, Lalie and I were no longer Virgin virgins. We would go into battle again, this time armed with the knowledge of what we had done wrong previously.
So we took a train into NY around 10pm, dressed in hoodies, donning glasses instead of contacts. We lugged blankets and pillows, not truly intending to sleep, but knowing we would need to be able to slump comfortably. When we got to Times Square around 11, we were nowhere near the first people outside of the store. We were maybe 100 deep already. But who cared. We toughed it out. We got our wristbands. We bought our CDs. We went home and slept for a few hours. Woke up, prettied ourselves, and got back to Times Square around 4 for the signing.
The Boys from afar
We were still exhausted, but not as much as the previous release, and there was no feeling of defeat in the air. We got to watch the Boys interacting with fans as we wove through multiple floors, creeping closer to our fateful meeting. We took pictures OF them as you weren’t allowed to take pictures WITH them. (So my picture with Nick still eluded me.) But it was all worth it when we made our own way up to the signing table and they passed the CD down, signing it and having a few seconds of conversation with each of us. I don’t really remember what I said to any of them, except of course Nick.
“I love you,” I gushed to him, reverting about a decade in maturity. This time, though, unlike the incident with Brian, I meant it.
His response was to bring my hand to his lip for a kiss.
I swooned.
Backstreet Boys cruises
In 2010, the Backstreet Boys announced that they would be hosting a cruise with their fans, and my shit was pretty much lost. How could I NOT go on this thing? I waited for the prices with baited breath, and they ended up being… Well, more than a typical 4 day cruise from Florida to the Bahamas, but less than I felt they could have charged considering. My hopes were high for a lot of candid interactions with the Boys. Lalie was the friend foolish enough to agree to go with me. We spent weeks leading up to it planning outfits for the themed nights, making a sign for our door, coordinating flights, and meeting other girls from NJ who were crazy enough to go on this trip.
The first cruise houses some of my greatest Backstreet memories. We set sail on the Carnival Destiny, and in a move I will truly never understand, this was a “half charter” cruise. In other words, only HALF the people on the boat were there for the Boys. Can you imagine booking what you think is going to be a fun, relaxing cruise only to get on the boat and find out that the Backstreet Boys and several hundred of their most insane fans are going to be there, using the deck for parties EVERY NIGHT and frequently hogging the stage for concerts and other shows?
A lot of people were not happy with us.
Meanwhile, half charter made the experience so much more special for us. We only had to fend off half a boat of screaming girls for chance encounters as opposed to the whole darn thing. (I would learn the true difference a few years later.) Chance encounters with the Boys were pretty real.
The cruise started with quite the encounter. After we all cheered for the Boys in port and got onto the boat ourselves, we headed straight for lunch. We were waiting in line at the buffet when Nick Carter just waltzed by, like a normal, everyday dude. Someone in our crew asked to take a picture with him, which he respectfully declined, but he did give us each a hug.
Seriously. Within minutes of boarding, I got a hug from Nick Carter. The cruise was quickly worth all the money I had dropped on it.
Brian and his family ate lunch directly across from where I sat with my friends. Several people approached him during this time, and he told each he’d be happy to take pictures with them once he was done eating. We sat in a prime location for this and jumped when our chance came. When I cozied up to him, he complimented my hair color. I said, “Thanks! Will you remember who I am now?” His response was a nervous laugh. I was just happy to have snagged a solo picture so early on in the cruise!
At dinner that night, we scored a table that was within view of the Boys and kept our eyes on them - not to an overly creepy degree. We talked amongst ourselves and ate like normal people, but the added view of Backstreet Boys was a nice one. Later in the meal, Lauren, Nick’s then fiance/now wife, excused herself from the table. For some reason, one of the other girls from NJ, Anne Marie, invited me of all people to go to the bathroom with her. This was one of our creepier, stalkerier moments. I think we talked to Lauren while we were waiting to enter the restroom. I was surprised by how nice she was as Nick fans found her notoriously stand offish. We came out of our stalls at the same time, and she wasn’t at all weirded out when we asked to take pictures with her. In the bathroom.
The next morning, Anne Marie and I got left behind when the other NJ girls went to breakfast. Everyone else was eager to get off the boat as we were docked in Key West. We weren’t thrilled to be ditched, but at least we had each other. We ate and chatted and took our time. On our way off the boat, we were stopped to have our picture taken while debarking. Suddenly, there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around - and there were Lauren and Nick! I couldn’t believe Lauren remembered us from the night before. We ended up waiting for the shuttle to Key West with her and Nick. Nick mostly typed away on his Blackberry, pausing for a hug but still declining picture requests. Lauren graciously chatted with us the whole way. I’ve always wanted to thank her for that.
Another of our stops was at the cruise line’s private island. The Boys took up residence in a pavilion, where they played twister with selected fans and shot water guns into the crowd. Later on, Nick broke away, ripped off his shirt, and ran into the ocean. A crowd of us stood on the shore and watched him; when he came out, he walked right past me, and I followed him all the way up the beach. Later, pictures of topless beach Nick surfaced online, with me in the background! Lalie said I looked like the dutiful girlfriend, following him. In the Boys’ early days, shirtless AJ, Kevin, and Howie pix popped up all over the place, but almost none of Nick. And somehow, I ended up IN one!
One of the highlights of the cruise was taking a group photo with the Boys. I decided on a tight, ruched red dress that I thought looked great on me. When our turn came, I walked straight towards Nick - and he walked directly at me! He took me by the hand, and there was probably a hug and a hello somewhere in there. I just remember him putting his arm around me and saying, “Come on. Let’s take a picture,” in a very gentle voice. Like it was just the two of us and it was all his idea. I hugged the other Boys afterwards, but when I looked back at Nick, his eyes were following me off. It was strange and wonderful. I guess the dress looked as good as I thought it did!
Due to timing and jobs, I skipped the second cruise, but I went on the third to celebrate the Boys’ 20th anniversary. This time, the boat was full charter, so the chance encounters were less frequent since they had to do all of their events twice. I roomed with someone different and took my fate in my own hands, doing what I felt I needed to do to have the best time l could. A lot of it was mildly disappointing and a lot less magical. Nick was a lot less accessible than on the first boat. I got solo pictures with the other 4, which was nice. Kevin stood in the center of a group again, promising autographs and pictures to everyone.
Spent some time with Leighanne, Brian’s wife.
My favorite moment was at the neon party the first night - Howie literally poured a shot of vodka out of a bottle and down my throat. No photographic evidence. Boo. I did get pictures with Brian and Leighanne, though.
Overall, the experience was mildly insane. A bunch of women in their 20s and 30s chasing after 5 married men like fools. Almost no sleep. A butt load of pictures. And a whole heap of fun.
Dreams Come True
I fell in love with Nick Carter on May 15, 1998, and guys, he still looks good. I still melt into a puddle of mush when I see him in concert. I’ve told myself it’s silly and he’s not even that good looking and I need to just get over it, but then I go to another concert, and damn. He still looks good.
Now I’ve seen the Boys about 25 times, but Nick has had a bit of a solo career. In 2002, around the time Justin Timberlake released his first musical contributions sans ‘N SYNC, Nick released his single “Help Me” and his first album, “Now or Never.” Of course I own it, played it out, loved it. He did a solo tour that winter, and on a cold February night, my parents drove Lalie and me to Philly to see him at the Theater of the Living Arts, a small, standing room only club. It was my first standing concert, the beginning of something beautiful. It became my favorite way to concert. (Yes, it’s a verb now.) I love getting to a show early, standing as close as I can get, weaseling my way closer since I'm so small, and dancing my heart out. I’m usually disappointed when the Boys do assigned seating now.
Anyway, in total, I’ve seen Nick solo three times. The first was thrilling to be so close. The second had a somber undertone to the fun as it was the night after his younger sister Leslie passed away. Friends of mine who attended his VIP meet and greet event that night were instructed not to ask him anything about his sister. He performed flawlessly, though he was overcome by emotions when he sang the song “Falling Down.” When he finished, he stomped around the stage angrily and screamed, “It’s not fair!” No one could blame him; I was surprised he even went on.
I don’t know why I didn’t go to the VIP event at that second show. I might have been worried about money or my friends didn’t tell me they were going or I couldn’t buy a ticket since I wasn’t a member of the official fan club. But I was pretty bitter about it. So for the third concert, the “All-American” Tour (definitely my favorite of Nick’s albums, though I love them all), I once again did what I needed to do and shelled out for the pre-show soundcheck and picture with Nick. It was the best way to finally get a picture with just him. A friend of mine took a video, and I know we hugged and he was nice, but the memory isn’t as strong as the one from the cruise.
But AFTER that show, there was a further opportunity. If you bought $100 worth of merchandise, which really isn’t hard to do with the prices they charge, you could take a selfie with Nick! Done and done. I actually got a few pictures - his security guard took one using my digital camera (possibly the last time that thing was used), and I handed him my cell phone for a selfie.
As if this wasn’t exciting enough, my cruise roomie from cruise 2 had shown me a selfie she took with Nick earlier in the day where he was kissing her cheek. Well, if he was taking requests for that…
Thank goodness this memory is immortalized in pictures or I might not believe it had really happened.
DNA World Tour
The Backstreet Boys’ most recent non-holiday album was 2019’s “DNA,” possibly my second favorite. There are a few songs I’m not in love with, but for the most part, this is a solid effort. I am amazed that this far along in their career, when a large chunk of people would consider them washed up has-beens, the Boys created some beautiful music AND topped the Billboard charts with it. Power move.
The album was released at the end of January, when I was about four weeks pregnant. I would sing the beautiful ballad “Nobody Else” to my ever expanding stomach and daydream about the family foundation we were building to the tune of “No Place.” The music video features the Boys’ families enjoying time together in their own homes. At this stage of our lives, so many of the fans have their own families, so this song and its video are freaking genius.
There was no way I wasn’t going to see the “DNA” Tour, even if I was pregnant. The only thing that was a minor concern was the fact that the nearest concert to me was happening three days before my due date. Seriously. I was due on a Tuesday, and the concert was scheduled for a Sunday. I cleared it with my doctor, though - no risk would be posed. Instead of taking the train, one of my friends’ husbands and Jon drove a few of us to Newark and hung out in the area that night, just in case. I wouldn’t want to be stuck taking a train while in labor. Another of my friends made me a t-shirt that said “Backstreet Baby on Board.”
Unfortunately, the show overall was not my favorite. I love the “DNA” album, as previously stated, and I couldn’t wait to see most of the songs live. But because this was sort of a “comeback tour,” because suddenly people who had been fans long ago but lost touch in that middle stage were feeling nostalgic, the songs I was most looking forward to didn’t even get touched. It ended up being more of a “greatest hits” tour, and while I understand why they did it, it was a disappointment for me, who’s stuck around forever, who’s seen “Quit Playing Games” and “Everybody” live so many times that I never care if I see them again, and who just wanted to vibe to “Nobody Else” and “Chateau.”
But I can’t hate the tour - it was sort of Lily’s first BSB concert, even if she had no idea. It was cool to look around and see so many families there together. Instead of screaming preteens with their annoyed dads (one dad walked out when we saw the “Into the Millennium” tour), there were screaming moms with their amused, nostalgic husbands and a new generation of fans that we’re raising. The beat goes on.
I have always, and will continue to, keep the Backstreet pride alive.
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